I recently submitted a piece to a new magazine/bookmark project called dogear.co.uk. The piece was called 'Collision' and goes like this:
— Knock knock.
— Who's there?
— It's the police.
— It's the police who?
— It's the police. I'm afraid there's been a terrible accident.
I wrote it a while back as part of a notional series called 'Failed jokes', where jokes run up against the real world in a variety of strange and uncomfortable ways. The one above was the darkest. The rest never quite made it into a fully fledged project or series, but I thought I'd post some of them here. Imagine you're reading them on a set of lollipop sticks.
— How many trapeze artists does it take to change a lightbulb?
— Leave it, I’ll do it.
— Doctor, doctor, my arms keep falling off!!
— When did this start happening?
— And how often does it happen?
— Every ten minutes!!
— Are there any other symptoms?
— No. My arms just fall off!!
— Hold on, I’m going to get the senior registrar.
— What do you get when you cross a blancmange with a combine harvester?
— I'm on the phone.
— What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with a ham sandwich?
— I hate it when you're like this.
— What do you call a giraffe in a baseball cap?
— Can we just order?
— Penguin walks into a bar and asks for a pint of lager. The barman is about to serve another customer, which the penguin hadn't realised, and the penguin apologises, even though they’d both arrived at about the same time. The other customer barely acknowledges the apology and takes forever to order two cappucinos. The barman stands by the coffee machine waiting for it to percolate, rather than serving the penguin at the same time, because he's incapable of doing two jobs at once. The bar, which was empty a minute ago, is now full of people waiting to be served. When the barman finally brings the coffees over, the customer wants to pay by card, which takes a lot longer than paying by cash. The barman then serves the person standing closest to the till, forgetting that the penguin should have been next. The penguin is furious and leaves.
— What did the bear say to the helicopter?
— Just here at the lights, thanks.
— My dog's got no nose!
— My dog's got no nose!
— No, it keeps dropping out.
— I'm saying my dog's got no nose. Ask me how...
— Can you call me back on the landline?
— OK, hold on a sec.
— Why did I marry you, Keith?
— I don’t know, why did you marry me, Karen?!
— Keith, I’m sorry. It’s over this time.
— Me no geddit!
— Why did the wombat eat the mango?
— Because you’re an idiot.
— Two men are out hunting in the woods and one of them accidentally shoots the other.
— When did this happen?
— So he goes to the phone box and calls the operator.
— Jesus Christ. Is someone coming to help?
— Look, don’t worry about it.
That kind of thing.
You can read more about Dog Ear on Creative Review.